Anxiety, routine, the future, OH MY.

As my “about” page would suggest, I am geographically confused/challenged.

It’s difficult for me to stay present and be happy with what I have. I need to change to change. I’m in New Jersey and wish to be in New York City. I’m in Boston and wish to be in New Jersey with my family. I’m in between and I wish to embark on a road trip at that very moment with merely my ipod, two packs of 5 gum, and my wallet with a $1 bill with a banana drawn on it.

Staying present is something I try to work on every day; otherwise, the thrill and anxiety of the future cripples me. Dreaming of your future is in no way bad, but it distracts you from living life fully. Currently, I’m trying to harness that negative, anxious emotion and convert it to something beneficial and thoughtful. It’s about allowing that anxiousness in and realizing that it’s not the enemy but rather a motivator.

Don’t fret, live.

As someone who constantly thinks about what I could have instead of what I do have, I’m prone to leading a hard life. Those stuck in the future fail to see events, people, and opportunities that present themselves. You have to realize that your ultimate goal is not one with a straight line but rather a path that sometimes leads you through a corn maze. Take it. It’s good. Eat the corn while you’re lost. Enjoy the sky while you cry out in frustration. Love the ground that holds you. Feel embraced by the stalk that surrounds you.

For me, routine creates anxiety. Routine sucks. I hate it. I hate ordinary people. It explains why I can call three places my home. Boston is for school. Only. New Jersey is for family. Only. New York City is for everything. Always.

If I’m in Boston and think about how much I’d rather be in NYC, I fall into depression, anger, and carelessness for my grades and those around me. I make an extraordinary effort here to be happy with who I have and what I’ve accomplished.

I’m excited for Sydney because it’ll be unlike any city I’ve known. I refuse to fall into routine, get comfortable, and shut down. When you’ve reached the pinnacle, run. Immerse yourself in a new activity. Stay happy. I have goals for my time there but I will allow myself to get lost in the corn.

You bring the butter, I’ll bring the salt.

Confusedly,

Mariana

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” – Jack Kerouac

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