I struggle writing a post that teeters on the do-you-really-want-future-employers-and-semi-acquantainces-to-know-this-about-you AND this-is-an-perfectly-acceptable-post, but the subject matter is a stigmatized topic that should be talked about; so, while I risk being judged by a few, I will risk it for the greater reward. After all, it is 2015: the year of “don’t judge me. You’re wrong and I’ll scream.” (You are wrong and I will scream.)
Having struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my teenage years, I was ecstatic to know that I kicked it out of my life for the better part of an entire year but hEY, it’s back just like that one, recurring, unfortunately placed pimple. Yes, hello, anxiety, old friend. I’d rather you didn’t come into my life, entertain me into the wee hours of the morning, and screw up my day’s plans but I’m really thankful for you. You’re like that one annoying friend you can’t stop being friends with because you’ve just been around them too long to say goodbye. Without you, anxiety, I wouldn’t know that what I’m doing is taking me down the path of monotony/unhappiness. So thanks.
With age and experience comes knowing yourself incredibly well. Thanks to a series of less-than-stellar human interactions, I’ve realized I’m so sensitive to slight environmental changes that anxiety is the only way my body and the universe can capture my attention and say, “hey! yeah you! GO DO SOMETHING ELSE BECAUSE THIS ISN’T MAKING YOU HAPPY.” It’s nature’s way of correcting me to find a better balance. It’s time to clean house.
I’m in a transitioning stage right now: 60 days until I graduate college. So what the heck do I do to jump-start the rest of my life? Who will be my friend and who will just be my snapchat friend? Anxiety: It’s foreign because what seemed like a stable and exciting few months have all just made my world a little less bright as of late. After finding and understanding happiness this past year, it’s not desirable slipping away from that feeling and falling deeper into this mud pit. It’s only going to take me in deeper and I need to find the tree branch that pulls me up before I sink. Maybe the salvation lies in a new environment or maybe it’s home–either way, a change needs to be made and quickly.
Knowing how negatively routine affects me, I speak to those struggling with me; do something new, take on a new project(s), explore a different part of the city. Go to the mountains. I’ll take on this challenge with you and climb higher to leave behind the sloping valleys and explore these unknown peaks to keep myself interested, questioning, and passionate about life. It’s funny (and/or exhausting) how much spontaneity and pursuing new heights is something my body craves but this is something you just can’t synthesize. There is no “fake it ’til you make it,” here.
So, life. Surprise me. Take me on a ride with the top down and a map in the back just so it can fly out. Let’s go.